Creating Compromises

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By Noah Fenn

I’ve been managing my severe allergy to dairy products for 30 years. My family and I have worked together over the years to keep me safe and healthy, but not without friction. Over time, however, with practice, conversation, and compromise, my parents and I were able to build mutual trust and understanding, preparing all of us for when I would live life on my own.

When I was in fourth grade, it became important to me to be like all the other kids. I hated it when my mother would walk me to school on class party days to drop off my “special” dairyfree desserts. It was embarrassing. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate that she spent hours cooking for me so that I wasn’t left out. It was that I felt she was invading my space. I felt that her presence in my school was a red flag that I was different … and that I needed my “mommy’s” help to survive.

We had many discussions about this issue. I would get upset and tell her that she was making it obvious to my schoolmates that I wasn’t “normal.” She would get upset because she was working so hard to keep me healthy and happy, and I didn’t seem to appreciate it.

Eventually, after many conversations, we reached a compromise. I would take my dessert to school in my backpack and have it immediately placed in the fridge in the teachers’ lounge. I would then remind my teacher that I was allergic to milk and where my food was. That way, I was able to participate in class parties safely without my mom’s involvement.

More frustration emerged when I began to seek even more independence as a teenager. My parents were very involved in my life – perhaps a bit overprotective, in my eyes. They always asked the same questions – where was I going, what was I going to eat, and did I remember my allergy medications. It was so annoying to answer the same questions over and over again – “Yes, Dad, I have my medicine with me,” “Yes, Mom, I know there is something I can eat at that restaurant.”

But their concern was with good reason. I often did leave my medication at home or go out to a restaurant with friends, only to realize that there was really nothing on the menu for me to eat safely.

We reached another compromise. My parents told me that if I could prove to them that I always carried my medicine and thought ahead about meals, they would let me come and go without all the hassle.

I set out to prove to them that I was truly responsible by being proactive about my safety. I created a routine for remembering to carry my medicines by keeping them with my house keys and wallet, and I made a food allergy card to show to restaurant staff. As I began to follow this routine consistently, I proved to both myself and my parents that I was able to manage my allergy properly.

A new degree of freedom opened up for me. I grew more mature because my parents were no longer constantly standing over me and “blocking my sun.” The trust I built with actions (not just words) allowed me the freedom to grow into a self-reliant person.

With maturity comes perspective. Today I understand that my parents were only trying to keep me safe. My advice to parents of children with food allergies is this – work together to find a solution that makes you both comfortable. Understand that your children can’t grow into their full potential if you’re constantly hovering over them. Let your children practice managing their allergy on their own. Provide them with ways to prove that they are responsible and trustworthy. Eventually, you will realize that your child is able to handle food allergies with limited guidance and, eventually, with none at all.

The good news is that your food allergy challenges will get easier to manage with time and practice. The better news is that if we work together, support each other, and support food allergy research, we will move closer to living lives free of food allergies.